I mentioned earlier that I wanted to give myself the mental freedom to fantasize about anything and everything I could do after the jump. The house continues to move towards the selling point at speeds that would make a three-toed sloth envious. As I race towards the finish line I’ve started reigning in the imagination and started evaluating my options.

Why Europe

One of my ideas was to hop on a plane and travel abroad. As I looked at different places I started honing in on Europe. It made the most sense to someone like me. I’m not particularly interested in going to any specific place; this lack of attachment provided more mental freedom to “explore” other parts of the world.

I thought about going to New Zealand just because it’s just so out there and all the pictures made it seem so freaking beautiful. At $1,380 the plane tickets were expensive but much cheaper than I expected; New Zealand was similar to Europe with regards to air fare (assuming I paid full price for the European ticket). But I really couldn’t figure out what I’d do when I got there. I’d still like to go one day, but this is not the time for it.

I thought about going on a Safari tour in South Africa. My neighbor, Jenny, did this 10 years ago and she said it was fantastic. It was like 30 days or something. This peaked my interest temporarily, then just kinda faded away. It sounded hot & sweaty and it’s a pretty far away place to go only to find out you don’t like 30 day safaris. If I were to do this, I’d have to take a few baby-steps first.

I thought about Iceland simply because it was named as the best country to live in by the UN. I mean, how could you not want to go to find out what it’s like? Is everyone happy there? Do random strangers just come up to you and hug you in the street? Does Coke still contain cocaine over there?!? What’s the damn secret??? But then I decided I’m not quite ready to go to the happiest place on earth and then have to leave it. So that was shelved.

I also thought about South America and Eastern Asia as the dollar is fairly strong in both places. But multiple concerns steered me away from both of those.

So that left Europe. In all honesty, Europe had a lot going for it, it wasn’t simply the last one standing. I looked into doing Euro on the cheap. I thought I would hitch a ride to Europe for $270. Then I’d get a Global pass on the Eurail for $1030 for 21 days. Lastly I’d sign up at couchsurfing.com in hope of saving money on hotels / motels while at the same time meeting some new people; I also left open the possibility of staying at a hostel or even catching a snooze on the train as I crossed Europe. Then when I was done I’d spend another $270 to get back home.

Sounds fantastic, right? At first I thought this was the option for me. Then as time went on I found the devil to be hiding in the details…

Why not Europe

The first thing I realized when considering Europe is that it’s going to cost me a buttload of money. With travel costs alone sitting around $2,000 I was expecting to drop $4-5K when all was said and done. That’s a lot of money for the homeless. I’m willing to spend a little money on something fun and relaxing so that I can recharge my batteries. But five grand is starting to push it.

Aside from the amount of money, there is also the question of distance per dollar. I don’t mean geographical distance here, I’m talking about how much I can get/do for the money. Let’s say I was in fact willing to drop $5,000 on some sort of vacation. I could go a long ways with that money if instead of Europe I went on a road trip around the western U.S., especially considering 40% of that budget would be just getting to Europe (and back).

The final detractor was that it seemed to be less & less relaxing the more & more I planned it out. If I wasn’t trying to do Europe on the cheap it would be a fantastic trip. But splurging in Europe with no income coming in while 1 euro is worth $1.60USD doesn’t seem like the wisest option. While trying to keep it cheap is doable, it just doesn’t seem to be coming together in my head.

It might also be a more relaxing trip if I just focused on one or two countries. But that’s not really what I’m looking for right now. If I did go to Europe there are things in various countries I’d like to check out. One or two countries just isn’t going to cut it at this point.

So where does that leave me?

Europe still seems like a cool option. So does Iceland. So does New Zealand. But I’m starting to really feel that none of these options are the right thing to do at this particular point in my life. Fantasizing about crazy getaways has been fun, and I’m not yet ready to just give up on some of them. But for now I just to want relax and meander.

I have heard there are troubles of more than one kind.
Some come from ahead and some come from behind.
But I’ve bought a big bat. I’m all ready you see.
Now my troubles are going to have troubles with me!

~Dr. Seuss

Over the weekend I started working on a post for k&t that’s still in the “draft” stage. I was discussing this latest & last system I’ve been building at work. The point of the post was that I’ve been feeling my interests and focus wane as time moves along. I made some mention that I no longer feel like I’m really part of the team for this project; not because of anything other than the mental & emotional detachment that I’ve been allowing to happen. It’s interesting what a few days can do to change your perspective. That post will never get published. Instead there’s this one…

As I mentioned in my post from 5 days back, the system I’ve been working on has been moved into the test cell at work. What this means is that it’s transitioning from the “build” phase to the “implementation” phase; in other words, we’re actually starting to use it. This is the phase where you find all the bugs in the system and try to make it actually useful (up until this point you’ve simply been pretending that it’s useful).

Now this particular project has multiple milestones and each one is critical. Several of them are coming up in rapid succession. To put it simply, things need to get working and they need to get working soon.

It isn’t terribly unusual for projects to get close to their deadlines still in need of a notable amount of work. Times like these are when people start staying late after work; putting in the time & effort needed to make sure the job gets done. With overtime rarely (or more likely never) being required not everyone chooses to stick around to push the last few inches.

For myself and my career crunchtime has been my bread & butter. You see, no matter how much work you may have put in during a 2 year project it is the last 6 weeks that define your roll. When there’s the final scramble to make the deadline, if you choose to make excuses that’s what people remember. However if you choose a little self sacrifice, work the long hours, be part of the team, and make sure the job gets done, then you earn the appreciation of your coworkers and (hopefully) those above you. I’m not saying that this the way things should be, I’m saying this is the way they are. Sometimes projects slip their schedules and someone has to help keep it going. Over these 10 years, during crunch time, I’ve come to recognize the same faces time & again, project after project. These are the people you want on your team, these are the go-to guys, these are the people who know how to remove “failure” from the list of options.

So as this particular project has been getting close to the latest milestone there’s been more & more scrambling. We got close, but not close enough. Things had to be running (not perfect, just running) by today. Now I’ve never slacked off due to my impending departure, but like I said earlier, I have been detached. So when it became more & more likely that a little overtime would be required I knew that the OT wouldn’t be coming from me. Like I said, I’m not really part of the team anymore.

Monday morning starting with an email from the project manager forecasting “late nights” over the coming days. I scoffed as I read that. “Ha, maybe for you guys,” I thought to myself.

I was wrong. I’ve stayed after work for the last 3 days.

It was after 5:00 today that we squished the last system bug. As I left the building tonight after my third straight day of working past quitting time I found myself reflecting over it. Waving goodbye as I walked to my office to lock up, that’s when I realized that over the years it’s been these same guys, time after time, pushing a project those last few inches. I didn’t stay because I suddenly started loving my job again. I stayed because I have some fantastic co-workers. I stayed because it was these same few who were staying. I stayed because although I’m ready to leave, I still am part of the team after all.

You know what? I’m glad I did. I really am. I’m even glad that the schedule slipped. One last time to get your ass in the trenches and make things happen. I must admit that I’ve enjoyed being a go-to guy.

It was during this time of reflection that I started writing this post in my head. It was during this time of reflection that I began to see the analogy between these projects and life in general. I’ve been lucky enough in my life that there haven’t been many times when I’ve needed the help of others, and I generally don’t ask for it even when I do need it (a total character flaw on my part). It is during our times of need when the relationships we’ve created get tested, and in those moments in my life when I did need help I learned quite a bit about those around me.

I have had the misfortune to learn that some of the people I’ve held close to me would not be there when I needed, instead bailing out with some lame excuse or simply using avoidance. However, I’ve also been surprised at the ones who did step up. Those who offered more support than I would have expected of them. Those who catapulted their way to the top of my list.

I fully expected to hand this project off if it started tanking. I surprised even myself when I chose to stay and ensure we hit this latest milestone. Like I said, over the last ten years it’s been those same faces getting the job done in the late hours. Those are ones I stayed for. It’s been a privilege to work with those who could be counted on when deadlines came crashing in.

Whether at work, at home, or anywhere else in your life there is a blessing to be found during the most trying of times. It is only then when you are given the chance to forge the strongest of bonds with those whom would lend you a hand, a shoulder, or an ear.

I have enough money to last me the rest of my life, unless I buy something.

Jackie Mason

Well, I got my quarterly statement for my retirement account today. This quarter I’ve lost $204.33 which brings my year-to-date loss up to $3,108.56. As you may recall, I’m planning draining my retirement account to pay for things like sandwiches after I quit my job. Three grand can by a lot of sandwiches.

I guess that’s one way to start a Saturday…

Oh well. =)

I wanted a perfect ending. Now I’ve learned, the hard way, that some poems don’t rhyme, and some stories don’t have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what’s going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.

Gilda Radner

I was talking to a friend of mine a few weeks ago and I told him I’m close enough to walking away from here that I’ve started countings lasts. I went on to explain to him that there are now things that I’ll do and know that it’s the last time I’ll do it here. A quick example is toilet paper. The previous time I bought toilet paper I knew that I would likely never buy another roll of toilet paper in San Antonio again. As you can tell, counting lasts isn’t that deep. =)

I guess it’s just another one of those silly mental games we play. Like making up phrases for the “abbreviations” found on license plates (you do that also, right?). Well I’m in the process of another last right now.

A very brief description of my job would be that I build and install electronic control systems. Yesterday we started installing my latest one. Few people at work know that my latest one is also my last. As I rolled the system from the lab to a test cell I found myself with that slightest tinge of sadness that is becoming admittedly familiar these days. While lasts bring sadness, they also bring joy. Each last is one step closer to the last last; and the last last is followed by the first first (that’s just fun to say).

I’m almost out of bath soap. I buy soap in a pack of eight. I expect to buy some more in the next week or so. An eight pack of soap takes a bit of time to go through. If all goes well I’ll have sold my house before I finish all my soap.

One more last.