So I just typed out my name a minute ago and learned something new. If you go to type “Kane” and put your right hand one key too far right you’ll type “Lame”…. nice.

I was just out having dinner when a couple came and sat at the table next to me. They had with them a drink each and a brochure from a Mazda dealer. They sat in relative silence. When their food arrived they busied themselves with eating. Then the wife start to tell a story. The wife, Tiffany, got a call from someone who’s not her friend but was acting overly friendly. This faux friend even had the audacity to call her “Tiff”. As Tiffany approached the tale’s crescendo her husband picked up the brochure. He replied to the grand finale of her story (”My name is Tiffany, not Tiff!”) by silently flipping to the next page of the Mazda brochure. Not a glance up or a grunt of recognition. Her reply, in turn, was too gaze out the window. Marital bliss.

In the past I’ve thought about how we humans have taken acts that were once natural and completely over complicated them. For example, what the rest of the planet does without thought we spend years reading magazines, self-help books, and incorporating copious amount alcohol in an attempt to do: mate. The rest of the animal kingdom keeps it simple. Some species may need to dance the best while flashing a fancy tail works for another. Whatever it is though, they understand the rules of the game. We on the other hand are completely retarded in our ability to read or write any such rules.

As I watched the couple next to me flaunting their painfully hollow union I began to realize we haven’t just fucked up mating. We’ve taken it to the next step and followed up our poor mating habits with poorer marriages. We’ve devoted our lives to relationships that should have never existed in the first place. We’ve bred acceptance into our genes.

It would happen that I had a brief conversation with them. ( They’re married with 3 kids and looking at either a Mazda CX9 or a Toyota 4Runner). The conversation ended almost as quick as it began. However conversations between strangers is like sex with ex-girlfriends: it’s much easier to do it again with someone you’ve already done it with than try it with someone else. So I wasn’t surprised when Tiffany turned back to me with what an open face which looked as if she might attempt more small talk. Timing was not on her side as I was turning away right as she turned toward me. By the time I glanced back she had turned back as well. The moment was gone and she had resigned herself back to the silence that was waiting for at her own table.

I meanwhile was busy thinking of the other marriages I know. I mentally went through and counted how many couples I thought weren’t a good match. Not suprisingly, there were quite a few. We don’t know how to mate. We don’t know how to marry. We’ve taken one of the most basic acts in nature and mangled it with ritual, greed, competition, ego, self-consciousness, fear, and resignation.

In recent months I have netflixed quite a few nature documentaries. I’ve begun to see that among the many benefits found in nature, is the opportunity for us to learn by example. We can learn more about ourselves and our lives by watching and understanding animals and their lives. We are endlessly complex and adaptive, but when we are able to find ourselves reflected in the goings-on of the animal kingdom it may happen that a hint of englightenment may be glimpsed.

No, we don’t know how to mate. Personally, I think maybe we should go back to dancing.

When I first saw the trailer for the movie Watchmen I thought it looked pretty sweet. In fact, after watching the trailer several time I decided to find out more. That’s when I learned it was considered to be one of the best graphic novels novels of all time. So I bought it.

Then I did the unimaginable. I read it. The whole thing. It was mediocre until the ending at which point it became one of the dumbest things I’ve ever read in my life.

So I’m not at all surprised that some poor schmuck in Eugene, OR killed himself while watching Watchmen today. The only thing that perplexes me, is that if Watchmen can induce suicide… how the hell do we not lose large crops when Clerks came out??

I was driving in to work this morning and next to me in traffic was a Chevy Silverado pickup. On the back window was a little bumper sticker. On said bumper sticker was the apple logo and in simple white letters the word “iTruck” followed.

Such grossly blind consumerism and blatant fanboy-ism makes me ill. Now my Civic is quite a bit smaller than the Silverado so I waited until we were moving again and I had enough momentum before I turned the wheel and rammed into Apple Junior. We both went off the road but he got the worse of it since he didn’t see it coming (he was looking at his MacBook in the passenger seat).

I got out of my car, went to the trunk, took out my spare gas container and walked to the iTruck. He was still pretty dazed and didn’t really react as I poured gasoline over the hood and roof. He just kinda flinched as I tossed the red safety container, half full, onto his lap. There was a slight spark in his eyes as I lit a match, but maybe that was merely a reflection of the flame.

As I walked away all I could hear was his frantic yelling, “iBurn! iBurn!”

I’ve been checking out some watches online and I had to share this one. While looking at this watch I read this in on customer’s review:

The solar charging function also gives the peace of mind that this watch will never run out of power, so, in the event of nuclear holocaust or financial ruin, I won’t ever need to buy batteries and it could also be used as a valuable trade good.

I’m glad he added that little blurb because I now know I’m not the only person who asks himself “will this survive a nuclear holocaust” when shopping.